The Politically Correct Cat

The cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.
 
The cat does not break things; he helps gravity do its job.
 
The cat does not gobble; he eats with alacrity.
 
The cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
 
The cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.
 
The cat is not a shedding machine; he is a hair relocation stylist.
 
The cat is not a treat-seeking missile; he enjoys the proximity of food.
 
The cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.
 
The cat is not a chatterbox; he is advising me on what to do next.
 
The cat is not a dope addict; he is catnip appreciative.
 
The cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.
 
The cat is not a pest; he is attention deprived.
 
The cat is not a ruthless hunter; he is a wildlife control expert.
 
The cat is not evil; he is badness enhanced.
 
The cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.
 
The cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.
 
The cat is not underfoot; he is shepherding me to the next destination (the food dish).