Dear Cats,

When I say to move, it means to go some place else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of cats sleeping: they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

My CDs and DVDs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, cry, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out of the same door. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Feline attendance has never been necessary.

In return for your good behaviour, I promise to post the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Cats
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
FOOTNOTE. Pets are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college.

One Response to “Dear Cats,”

  1. Having lived with cats all my life (60+ years) I can totally relate!!! I look forward to reading thru this website and laughing a lot. Thanks for making my day!! Catlady162

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