How to give a cat a pill

1. Get pill from bottle and lovingly pick up cat, making soothing noises and giving reassurances that “This won’t hurt.”

2. Cradle cat in crook of left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, coo confidently, “Thats a good kitty,” and pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

3. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

4. Repeat step 2.

5. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. Throw soggy pill away, and get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

6. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat’s mouth closed as well.

7. Remove pill from goldfish bowl and retrieve cat from top of wardrobe. Get another pill, and call spouse in from garden to assist.

8. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, thus immobilising front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

9. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Retrieve pill from amongst shattered figurines and vases on hearth.  Make mental note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.

10. Fetch large beach towel from closet. Spread towel on floor. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) Roll cat in towel.

11. Get spouse to lie on towel-wrapped cat with cat’s head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Force cat’s mouth open with pencil, insert tube, and blow.

12. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink large glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

13. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get fourth pill out of bottle. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

14. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom.

15. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed roof. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Get last pill out of bottle.

16. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat’s mouth open with tyre iron. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically, and pour half pint of water down cat’s throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

17. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anaesthetic, stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

18. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road.

19. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at local animal shelter.

20. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


NB: How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap the pill in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


One Response to “How to give a cat a pill”

  1. I loved this one! :)

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