How to wrap a present

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3. Open door, remove cat from closet, and shut door again.

4. Go to cupboard, retrieve rolls of wrapping paper, and shut door.

5. Go back, remove cat from cupboard, and shut door again.

6. Go to drawer and collect sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, and labels.

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present.

12. Remove cat from box, and replace present.

13. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

14. Remove cat from underneath paper, and smooth out paper.

15. Cut paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

16. Throw away first sheet, as cat chased the scissors and tore the paper.

17. Successfully cut second sheet of paper to size, by first putting cat in the bag the present came in.

18. Place present on paper, and lift up edges to seal in present. Wonder why edges don’t reach.

19. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

20. Fold paper around present, and place object on paper, to hold it in place while tearing sticky tape.

21. Spend half an hour carefully trying to remove sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

22. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

23. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

24. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

25. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat’s enthusiastic ribbon chase.

26. Repeat steps 13-25, with variations, until you reach last sheet of paper.

27. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for the remaining sheet of paper.

28. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

29. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

30. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

31. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to lay out materials.

32. Unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

33. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat complaining from outside the door).

34. Lay out last sheet of paper, and discover cat has already torn it.

35. Unlock door, go out, and hunt through various cupboards for a sheet of last year’s paper until you remember that you haven’t got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.

36. Return to lockable room, lock door, and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

37. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. Label.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

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