Little Known Feline Ailments

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms:  The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment:  Place the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rub gently. Some feline sufferers may suffer side-effects, causing them to attack the rubbing hand.

Prognosis:  Most cats recover spontaneously, although often only after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING

Symptoms:  This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase “soggy nudging”. The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human, and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc.

Treatment:  Give the sufferer lavish affection. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin.

Prognosis:  Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. Attacks may recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms:  The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow.

Treatment:  The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed.

Prognosis:  Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with influenza). Bed-hogging is highly contagious — any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms.

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms:  The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps; treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.

Treatment:  Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer, otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome.

Prognosis:  This syndrome is incurable, although attacks can be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms:  Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading, and snoring.

Treatment:  Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms. However, it should be noted that, in a number of cats, such treatment actually exacerbates the condition.

Prognosis:  This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat’s life and there is no long-term cure. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

SMURGLING

Symptoms:  Varied – can include sucking at owner’s clothing, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment:  There is no known practical treatment, as it is usually impossible to remove all smurglable items from the cat’s vicinity.

Prognosis:  Ultimately incurable. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms:  Greeblingz are diminutive entities, invisible to humans, which some authorities have linked to UFO sightings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions, and frequently run helter-skelter through the house, making random dashes and pounces. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result.

Treatment:  None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting.

Prognosis:  Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. A very few cats are naturally immune.


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